


Other People's Fireworks

by Tallulah



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Bittersweet, Depression, Gen, Hope, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-02
Updated: 2012-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:26:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26237104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah/pseuds/Tallulah
Summary: Matsuda and Ide celebrate the first New Year's Eve after the defeat of Kira.
Kudos: 2





	Other People's Fireworks

The apartment's dark except for the light of the TV, showing the final moments of the new year sing-off. On some New Year's Eves, Matsuda's been watching it instead of work (so focusing on it as the most interesting thing around) or watching it with friends and wine (and finding the whole thing hilarious) or out drinking and not watching it at all (having too much fun to care) but he's never just had it on in the background. But then, a lot of things about this New Year's Eve don't feel like they usually do.

He didn't know what he was going to do for it. After the Kira case ended, he should've got back in touch with old friends, been all _hi, work's been crazy for the last... five years..._ and found himself out partying tonight, standing in the street with his tie bound round his head waiting for fireworks. Or, he should've been thankful he still had a family and was alive to appreciate them, and been all _come on, guys, let's celebrate like we mean it for once_ and been at his parents' house having a drunken fight over a board game. Or, he should've gained a new sense of maturity and been working. 

But Aizawa shot that last one down. He made a point of telling Matsuda and Ide and Mogi that they shouldn't work this New Year's Eve. _You deserve a break._ Matsuda should've been pleased but he wasn't, he just felt that unpleasant emptiness you get when you realise there's a space in your head where the fun's supposed to be. Mogi looked as impassive as always but Ide had rolled his eyes like he didn't need Aizawa lecturing him, and that was what had made Matsuda blurt out, _What are you gonna do that night, then?_ Ide just looked at him and then said, _nothing_ , as if he were making a calculated decision, and so Matsuda heard himself say _Come to mine, if you want._ And then, because he never can keep his mouth shut, _I mean... we've spent the last five New Year's Eves together, right?_ When he said that, for a moment everything was really awful but he set his teeth and shoved the awful back again and then Ide just said, _Sure, why not_ and they both went back to reading the reports they were looking at.

Or there was watching the new year sing-off with the volume turned up because your parents were both off sulking and your brother had snuck out to meet mates, or his girlfriend. Matsuda forgot that bit.

They're leaning on the little balcony of the apartment, sipping wine and waiting for fireworks. At least, Matsuda thinks that's what they're doing. Maybe Ide just got sick of the silence. Matsuda didn't mean there to be silence, he normally finds it easy to talk but on new year's, you kind of feel like you should be talking _about_ stuff. Like, formally letting go of the old and turning to the new. And Matsuda knows he's no good at that. It's not like he _has_ anything to let go of, anyway. Since January, nothing much seemed to happen.

"What time is it?" he says, for something to say. 

"Eleven-forty-eight."

They can hear traffic, and shouts and cheers, and even a few early fireworks. There should be a sense of anticipation, right? Even if Matsuda's not looking forward much to 2011, he should be, like, aware of the old year finally coming to an end. The old year comes to an end and you let go of all the bad and you're ready for what's to come. Last year, Matsuda felt sort of able to do this. It had helped, with the Chief's death and everything, it had helped to be able to say to himself _it's okay. It's okay, it was very bad but now we can get it together, now we'll catch Kira and he'll be proud of us._ He'd believed it, too. He'd been feeling _this year it's all gonna happen. This year is gonna be big._

And then January blew up in their faces and... all the other months have just been... maybe, like, he messed up January so badly that nothing else really mattered. See, and that's the kind of thing you're meant to be putting aside now, but, what, you're supposed to just be all _I was wrong about everything, all that time - oh well, maybe 2011 will be better_? 

"Now?"

"Eleven-fifty-one." Ide sounds unimpressed with him, but Matsuda doesn't care. He's got nine minutes to get his head together or else 2011 will start without him, it'll clock into place and he'll just be left blinking and staring around, missing all the clues as usual. _Think._ He makes himself list all the things he knows he wants, or at least all the things he knows he should want. A promotion. A girlfriend. Improved work performance so that people actually say to him, _good job, Matsuda_. A social life that doesn't just involve workmates.

He's actually really kind of sick of lists. 

He is not supposed to be thinking about Raito. Raito is not part of his life any more. But he is doing so anyway because his brain doesn't want to do anything else. He is remembering Raito sitting in their headquarters lecturing Near for kidnapping his fiance. It wasn't a happy time, they were all worried and confused, but now Matsuda thinks of Raito issuing commands and statements sharply, clearly; how he was obviously concerned but he kept it together, he even smiled at some points, and it feels like a happy memory, like something safe and familiar. He holds onto it like it's a smooth stone, turns it over and over. Any minute now it will stop being happy, it will backfire into January 28th, which is why Matsuda shouldn't be thinking of it at all, but he doesn't care.

"I hate New Year's," Ide says, and Matsuda jumps, comes back to the chilly balcony, remembers he's technically host. Ide drains the last of his wine and carries on, "I just don't see the point of... of expecting a day to be fun simply because other people say it should be."

"You didn't have to come over," Matsuda says, wondering if this is a veiled attack on him, but Ide shakes his head: "No, I'd rather see it in with you as with anyone. Though it's a bit out of left field for me to actually have watched that sing-off show. I can't believe you talked me into that."

Matsuda wants to point out they didn't watch much of it, but he thinks Ide is just maybe talking about it so's to have something to say, so's New Year's will be a... thing with stuff that happened and normal feelings and rituals. Even if those rituals are things like complaing about your colleague's terrible taste in television. "What time is it now?"

"Three minutes to go."

Matsuda has a completely stupid urge suddenly to throw himself off the balcony. Not because he's especially miserable, just because it would mark the occasion. It would be _something_. He's tired of not having _something_. He is not actually going to do this, of course - Ide would kill him - but if he doesn't, then what, is he just going to stand there watching as the world lights up and feel like he has no idea why?

Ide's resting his arm on the balcony so they can both see his watch. _How many seconds is it?_ Matsuda wants to say, a terrible joke like a scream in the dark. _How many seconds since you wrote down the last name?_ Ten. Fifteen. 

"I don't..." He swallows; his mouth is dry. "I don't think I can do this." 

He isn't sure what it is he means. 

"We're going to be fine," Ide says, slightly irritated just like always. Twenty. "Stop overthinking everything, Matsuda."

Matsuda is feeling something now, even if it's just despair at the _lack_ of feeling. He drains his glass. There are a lot of things he could say, but he doesn't think he can put any of them into words. Thirty. Thirty-five. _Forty seconds._ No one screams, nothing happens. There's just emptiness, waiting. This isn't how it's meant to be at all. None of it is. That's a correct thought, the rightness of it beats in his head and it's not til fifty-five seconds that he thinks _well, so what, how is it meant to be then?_

He whispers, "I'm sorry," but it's drowned out by the fireworks and bells and cheers all around them. And, as the noise peaks, he thinks he does feel the old year snap free, like a loose tooth being pulled out, and if his eyes smart and he has to turn away, well, Ide will think it's the wind or smoke or won't even notice. This is something, even if it's probably not the something he wanted. 

Afterwards, they go back inside, and Ide pulls the balcony door closed and says, "Happy new year," awkwardly, and even smiles. He doesn't seem to mind that Matsuda doesn't answer.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for 12daysChristmas challenge on LiveJournal, prompt "weird left turn".


End file.
